Retirement
I am 27, going on 28. Not quite a millenial, not quite Gen Z - just somewhere in between. When I was growing up the path was so simple: go to college, get a good job, work until you're 60 and then fucking die. That script then turned into FIRE - Financial Independence, Retire Early. Trade a lot of suffering today, for a little bit of freedom tomorrow. Delay your life and eventually you'll earn the right to live it.
I've watched the world change, over and over - 9/11, climate crises, COVID-19, the erosion of our social lives in favor of social media. It all leaves me asking: what am I suffering for anymore? Am I just suffering, and there is no future?
The effects of these scripts on my mind become clearer to me everyday. I constantly feel like I need to horde as much money as possible, and spend "just enough" to be able to have a little bit of fun. Even as I've gotten raises, established an emergency fund, learned how to be more intentional with money there's a little voice in the back of my mind saying, "keep it! If you spend it now you'll rob yourself of a future!" Deeper than that, there's a fundamental transience I feel with money. I didn't grow up destitute, but I didn't grow up rich either. I grew up learning that if you're reckless, you could lose it all fast. So even if my bank account seems fine, I still have that voice in the back of my mind asking, "what if you never get another raise?" or "what if something wipes it all out tomorrow?" Sure, I'm fine today - but will I always be? Somehow, the number goes up but the fear doesn't go down.
And now, I'm struck with two very real possibilities:
- I may not be able to enjoy that future. My body may not be able to keep up with the things I want to do.
- I may not have a future at all.
And these are not easy possibilites to sit with. These can wreck you if you let them. So I won't. Instead, I'm sitting with a tough question for myself: what would it mean to live now, without throwing away my future?
Letting go of this fantasy of some vague future where I can sit on a beach all day and do nothing actually leaves me feeling more free. Instead of thinking "I need to suffer today to secure my tomorrow," I'm thinking more along the lines of "how do I suffer less and still be okay tomorrow?" And that is a far less constraining way to think. For me, it looks like the daily grind slowing down, instead of coming to a halt - working less hours. It also looks like having the opportunity to work on things that are more meaningful to me, instead of whatever makes the most pay. But I think most importantly, it looks like enjoying what I can of the world while it's still here - before the world is destroyed, before my body gives up on me, before my mind is no longer as sharp as it once was.
That is a goal worth suffering a little bit for.